He said: i don't know how i feel anymore
She said: Why?
He said: I don't know
And
She said: You're nothing but a lie.

Month later he returned. With open arms and that sweet smile. Knowing she wants him back. He states down the changes. Warns not to repeat of the past. "forget what used to be" he says.
All she could do was look down and attempt a fake smile.

He said: I love you
She said: I love you too

but does she really mean it?

She says: I don't want to lose you again.
He says: Me too

But does he really mean it?

She knows, things have changed. School, friends, attitudes and themselves.
She sees the changes. But does he?

She accepts the changes he wants. But will he change for her?
All she ask was for one thing. To be re-assured of them being together.
But even that, he doesnt show.

As time goes by. She thinks to herself. Is he really worth it?
Is he really worth the pain?
The tears?
The hurt?
The scars?
The sleepless nights?
And the failing grades?

If She changes for him. Will He change for her?

She said: I love you.
He said: I love you too.

But do they really mean it?


*I want to be with u yes. I want us to work things out yes. I'm willing to change for you yes to a certain extent. But wad use is it for me to change when u give me nth in return. I feel used. Honestly. And i'm not happy with it. If this goes on, maybe it'll b e second goodbye. A repeat of the past. Only this time, its me hus not happy with it. Not you. Just thought u should know.*

Feel like dunnoe how long i never touch the com. Ok so its like only 2 days. hahas.
Been com deprived but i got the tevee all to myself (mos of the time anw). Been sick since sat. Wen to see doc yest. The usual, flu, fever and cough. Weather changes affect me drastically. hahas.

Anyways, latest news. i'm going for a skin test. I wun write wad it is here. u wan go find out urself k? hahas. (:

Mym got like another 2 weeks extended m.c luckie her. wish I had that m.c. hahas

School. Was ok. I passed my math. Which totally made a damn good start to my day! hahas. cos i swear i thought i was gonna fail. (:

Then GM. go through paper. my grp flunk. yay! cos i so wanted that to happen. For those hu know, u know y. For those hu don't, don't bother to know. (:

Then had GM prac. Revision. The turn out was so "amazing". less than half the class. hahas. which was gd. cos easier to study. nth much. (:

Ok im sleepy and my fever's up. hahas. ciao ppl! (:

Monday. Test. Sucks. The end.

Hahas.
After test.
EVerything was managable.
I guess.
I made it thorugh the day didnt i?
Ok so with a fever.
But still,
I survived.
And made it through the bread factory tour.
Wow.
Bread.
Got some free.
Hahas

Den went to dinner.
With Ash.
Mediteranian food.
Yummy.
Cos me alot though.
Sheesh.
Oh wells.
Had a good time.

Tml.
Do we hv sw?
god knows.
Don't feel up to it.
Very VERY dizzy now.
Maybe cos of the panadol.
And the lack of slp.
And the fever.
And being tired.
Heh.
Too many thing.
I'm seriously dizzy.
hahas.
Ok.
I'm off.
Ciao ppl!

Love Rash.

Never thought that this is the day when the past repeats itself agin. Never know turning 18 hurts so much. Never knew how much i truly love them. Never knew i's cry this hard again.

I thought i'd stopped. And that would b the last. Didnt know today so many things pushed me to the extreme. the last time i did it, was like 3 mnths ago. i thought it's stp there. No more repeats. no more relapses. Guess i was wrong. i've yet to learn better self control with myself.
The moment that one drop of crimson red fell on my bed, i knew, this will go on for a while...

Best news of the day. My fever shot up to 45 degrees. weee~ maybe it'll fry my brain sumhow. hahas. (:

I cant believe this. After 18 years, i only now finally realize how much i love them. Those 4. The 4 people closest to my heart. Esp VBI. he's like e first person to make my day today. He made me laugh so much till i teared up. thanks squirt. (:
*always trying to look on e briter side of life*

Ok i honestly think part of my brain is fried. cos my head burns and my heads heavy. hahas. suckie. oh well. better then letting all that red liquid flow. i swear doc's gona want to kill meif he found out! cos i broke my clean record. gawd.

Oh oh. Last thing. Thanks for being arnd Zaid! u helped me nt slp at sch and i helped u nt slp at theory! hahas. (:

+thanks to all for the gifts and wishes k! means alot to me. take care guys. (:+

I keep telling ppl. I never looked fwd to my 18th birthday. Any birthdays at all in fact. And seriously i mean it.
Like today. My 18th birthday. More like a day of disaster. Everything's just so fucked up. I'm not at all in the mood to celebrate nor talk abt it.

Ppl backed outon me. Its ok. I'm sick. Its ok. That one very impt person to me couldnt make it todat. Its ok. Mum's sick. That totally not ok. I don't want to lose her. I'm not ready to not be with her anymore. It only hurts more to think of it. Fck it.

Never thought on this day that i'd start it all over again. The crying. and more. fck.

Before dad left for work, he said to be hm early. he's gonna buy that cake. Then he turned. He said, take care of everyone. N i love you. All i could do. was just tear up. cos i know wad he meant. I hate it. Really.

All i wanted was for mum to get better. But it doesnt seem to be going that direction. I know how it feels. To lose hope when ur sick. And the doc cant b sure wad sickness you got. Then all you can think of is preparing for the time He will take you away. I can tell. Cos i've been there before. Honestly. i never lost anyone very close to me before. and i dont want to either. life just gets trickier each day....




*i don't blame you. For not making it today. I know ur family needs you more. Thanks for tellind me at least. i'm sorry. If i sound real upset. Cos i am. Cos on this day. esp now when i need you the most, i cant hv u arnd. just take care. hope ur aunt gets better. i'll see you soon. i hope*

Thanks you guys for all e early wishes and presents. Its much appreciated. (:

F.Y.I: I'm cancelling tml's plan ok! Sorry! Some issues just came up. Pls understand aite. You ppl hv a great weekend. (:

*All i can say to you is, fuck you. You've lied once more. And you've broken all my hopes on you again. Maybe tml is the last time i'd even want to see you again.*

Im in soo no mood to celebrate my bdae tml. Everything's just so fucked up. Maybe my life's just begining to screw up again.

My only wish. For mum to get better. And for the suspected diagnosis to not be true. I don't want to lose her yet. *believe it or not im actually tearing rite now.*

-its all crashing at e same time again. fck. i hate it. screw this life. its now meaningless to me-

Im like in a daze. damn bad daze. hahas. ngantok.

School. Morning. Math. Then LSP test. Man im glad its like sooooo OVER! (:
Then GM prac. Everyone made a big fuss abt MM Lee coming to ITE College East. gee.
hahas. we even stayed back for a bit so Marisa got to see him. hahas

GM prac ended early. Didnt join the rest to follow Fizah go Ramen Ten. Sorry Fizah! was jus too tired. all i could think of was go home and take a nap. Tu pun tak terjadi. Coc both bro at home. One moody. The other hyper nak mampos. Gee. Guys and the PMS. hahas.

lalala. im like in a daze. glad my 2 brother's are out doing grocery shopping. yes. im amazed. wonder if they'd even get the things rite. (:
*i never was such a nice sister all e time k!*

I think. My 18th bdae. will b different. Idk. just feel that way. maybe its a good thing lah. (:

All i want for my 18th bdae now, is for my mum to get better, and regain her health once more. Thats all i ask for...
sighs..
Hope its nth serious. Cos now i gt the flu and cough too. hahas. *lacking of much needed slp*

I mite not b such a good daughter nor a good example as a, but i know my limits. And i know where my responsibility lies. I might not have the expected education status. But i hv my morals, dihnity and pride. And to me, thats a good enough start to a new life. Look down on me or anyone else if u want to. It changes nothing. (:

Its 3 days and counting...
*PPL RMBR NO CHOC SYRUP & SUGAR ALLOWED FOR SABO!*
*SOIL IS TO BE RECONSIDERED! hahas*

There's like 2 batch of ppl planning to sabo me lah. My classmates. And Anthony and the BGSS-ians. gosh. Friday sehh. *Faints* hahas

Anyways, today was like one hell of a torturous day. Cos i lacked of good sleep. Then school. GM. i almost fell aslp. hahas. Then MB. omg! thank god the prac was fast. If not i think i'll b sleeping like wad Andrew always does. hahas.

Had like a damn long 2hr break after MB. Hung out the the place as always. Thank god there was Zed to text. hahas. at least it wasnt soo boring. Then LSP. almost half the class skipped. But it was like a good thing also. Cos like the class was not too figgity then work was done fast. Plus Mr Oliver made us laugh. hahas. *ok i so spelt his name wrongly. hahas sorry teach!*

-Kevin, u called me in class man! i couldnt ans. SOrry!-

Didnt go study with the rest at Shane's house. Too tired. Got home. Eat. Blog. Later. Maybe nap a lil? then go study for LSP. After tml. No more LSP baby! but we'll see Mr Oliver again in like MLP! grr. (:

I'm gona b old. soon. sians leh.
ppl askin me wear skirt for my bdae. hahas. wth. SHISHA! (:

--ppl if u gona make it to join shisha-ing on saturday, pls text me ok!--

Loves to all! (:

i miss you. but im still uncertain if this is all just a dream or really a reality.
i love you. (:

Prac today was sooo fast. hahas. for a test, gosh. it was like. not bad. (:

anyways, ended early today. so aft sch went to Shane's place to watch Sweeny Todd then B13. hahas. got ppl slp. ppl scared. so many things lah. yea n im damn sleepy now. fun with friends. Shane's house rocks man! (:
*Hey hope ur mum gets well soon!*

There's like so many things on my mind. And i know i shouldnt blog abt it. Cos like. Yea just cant lah. Hurts too much to say it out. oh wells.

Saturday. I'm soooo looking foward to it. Shisha with my classmates and friends! (:
Hope u all can make it!
Oh shit.
I just remembered. They planned to sabo me friday AND saturday. wth. hahas
All the freaky conversations i heard of. With the chocolate syrup and sugar and flour and water. wth! hahas
PPL IM NOT A WALKING CAKE OK! (:
speaking of cakes. Mum's getting me Nutella! cos of VBI. ahhas. (:

Ok ok. Have LSP to go through before i can even see Friday morning! (:

ahh. im off. ciao ppl! thanks for tagging all u taggers! (:

p.s: AISYAH U HAVE TO FOLLOW ON SATURDAY! YOU TOO ZED! (:

I'm not boasting abt this but really. Now there's like soo many ppl hu ask me this question.
"What do you want for your birthday?"

Yea i know i kept saying I dunno. But now, i think i know the ans. (:

no its nt smth materialistic. and its not over the top.

All i want for my brithday this year is....

To not have to spend it with my older bro and his fiancee.

seriously. i'd really appreciate it if he wasnt around to spoil my 18th birthday for me.
and no i'm not gonna regret this.

He pushed me too far. And i hate him for that. I'm sorry but thats all i ask for on my birthday. Cause to see you, means hell to me. Cant wait for you to get married and go move out. Cos as of now, im only pretending that i have this person called "big brother" in my life.

yesterday. it was the final straw. ur words. to you it meant victory. to me u totally backfired urself.
i was at e damn course yesterday ok. and all u can do when i got home is start to nag. you say i'm never around for mum when she's sick. you say i never take care fo her. you said infront for riza that i'm useless. you said i was nth but a waste of my parents time. you said things i can never mention here. but wadever u said yest. it still replys over and over again in my mind. hope ur happy. cos u officially lost a sister. your only damn sister. for good.

You've looked down on me all my life. You've hated me when i achieved smth. You pull my hopes down in life. You made me end up in where i am now. You sabotaged me in any way you can. All this i will never forget.

Bro wake up will you. If i dont love the family, why the hell did i go home everyday?
If i never cared about mum, then why was i the only one of her three children who skipped a whoel day of school just to be with her to the hospital?
If i'm useless, then why am i the one hu u always ask to help u out with things?
If i'm such a burden to the family, why am i not the one who always ask for money when i'm still schooling and not having a stable income?
If i don't care about you, why did i even help you out all these years in the littlest ways i can liek judging your damn 9 gfs throughout your life?!
If you hate me achieving anything in life, why dont you be a man and say it in my face?
If you never wanted me as a sister why didnt you just say in 18 years ago?

Lemme ask you this.
Where were you when mum was sick?
All u did was paly games and complain abt food. Mum said it herself!
Where were you when ur siblings needed the help and advice from an older brother they used to look up to?
Busy with his gf and only going home to scold ppl cos he just had a fight.
Where were you when i needed your help to get into poly?
At home being pissed cos instead fo going out with ur gf u had to b stuck at home complaining abt me not getting gd grades.
Where were you when i cut myself up so bad and OD on pilss till i almost landed in the hosp?
All you did was ignore and not help even when u knew i did all that.
Where were you when i needed my one and only older brother?
Never around.

You've never been there for me or riza. the only one who could comfort riza was me cos he were never anrd to see him cry. when i needed your help, you were to bz with ur life to even take a sec to help out. when mum and dad fought, all u did was lock urself up in your room and mind ur own business.

After 17 years and17 days, i give up bro. I cant take it anymore. You keep on pounding me to the ground. You take all my hopes and crush them like a tin can and jus throw it in the bin. You treat me as though im worthless. you treat me like a nobody. you say things abt me that i learnt from you. u never realize that i followed ur footsteps. you never once acknowledge my achievements. you only looked down on me all this time.

Last words from me to you.

FUCK YOU.
I'm sorry if i don't turn up for your wedding. Cos i don't plan to.

p.s: the reason why she's involved. Was cause of that one faithful day. that would determine if i could retake my O's or not. It was cause of what she said, mum and dad never gave me a chance to try and retake my O's. I've always resent her for that. I always will. Cause i have yet to find it in my heart to forgive her. Let alone forgive you.

Seriously. These few days. I'm like damn lazy to blog. Cos i've been lacking of slp. And i've been very tired. And i've been out a lil too much then what i expected. lols. so yea. wun b into too much details with the days k.

Sometimes. I look back and wonder. Why?

maybe...

I DESERVE BETTER

maybe...

I DESERVE SOME RESPECT

maybe...

I DESERVE TO NOT CHANGE

maybe...

I DESERVE MORE THAN SUCH TREATMENTS

maybe...

I DESERVE TO NOT BE HURT BY YOU

maybe...

I DESERVE WHAT I HAVE IN LIFE NOW

and boy aint it jus "great"... geez

-this second chance. dun waste it. im slipping away. slowly. losing grip.-

-+- LOSING IT -+- LOSING MYSELF -+- LOSING YOU -+-

My steak ppl! (: - simpang bedok - Spizes. Niceeeeee! (:

:) - p.s: i still dun like ur shoe! too white! hahas.

For my dear friend Nisa's sake. I'll shall post up again my test dates. Sorry gurl i dunoe wad happened to the other one! (:

This week ppl!:
- LSP PHASE TEST 2
- MOLECULAR BIOLOGY PHASE TEST 2
- MATH CLSS TEST 5

The week after:
- GENERAL MICROBIOLOGY PRACTICAL TEST
- LSP THEORY

The week AFTER that:
- ANALYTICAL CHEM TEST - Theory!

Thought i'd end up rotting at home today. hahas
Ok so i was sick in e morn. Mum didnt lemme go out study. But by evening. I was better. So when Farhan and Shane as me to go out n study with them, i went for it. Ok so we ended up not studying. hahas. We TRIED. yes we tried. But then, we just couldnt concentrate. So went to walk arnd Bedok inter then back to macs for dinner. hahas. was fun with them lahs. Gona go out study tml too. at T3 i think. uhh. maybe lah. hahas.

Im back home now. Bored. yea. hahas.
Ahhhhh! ok. my eye's in pain. god knows why. sucks actually. grr.

*MUMMY I WAN A WIRELESS B ADAPTER FOR MY BDAY!*
so i can hv internet on my com. hahas. yes cos now its currently only for gaming, music and pics. (:
AND SPEAKERS TOO! - or jus gimme bro's giant CD player cum speakers cum radio. lol. (:

*BRO FIXED MY MP4! save my money sia!
for once i say. THANKS BRO! U ROCK! but dun expect me to be nice anytime soon. hees. (:

-The devil in me- (:

The pics of the purple flower thingy that u get from weddings. In malay. "Bunga Telur". rite? hahas

Didnt have time to blog yesterday. Ok i had time bt bro plug out the wireless halfway yest so he cld fix my com. hahas. *i complained too much so he had to fix it sooner or later. honestly he's a pain in the arse.*

Anyways, was wondering in the kitchen jus now. Saw this purple flower. hahas. kinda nice. took pics. (yea i was like that bored). will post it up later.

Bored. Very bored. Was supposed to go out today. But plans changed cos SOMEONE has to work. So it'll b monday. rite? we'll see then yea...

Ahh k im bored. Tevee's been hogged. There's no one online hus free. I'm lazy to study. Dunoe wad else to do. Its like i wana go out. But my butts glued to this bed. Yea. wth rite.

Aint got no sch today. Supposedly. Went back to check the project. Damit sia. cldnt see no growth of bacteria. It was like wasted coming back. hahas. but in the end, think its ok. cos like aft that, me, Marisa and Niki went to TM. Go get LJS. Eat at open plaza. The walk abt tamp.

Afterwards met Ash @ bedok. Talked and such. Got lots of cookies. He was like damn high on cookies ar. Esp the mrs field's ones. We both gt high on cookies. hahas.
*Thanks for the time spent together. Will see u soon then. jus dun get sick on cookies ok! Thanks again Cookie "hogger" bear! lols. (:*

i spoilt myself today again. hahas. Bought like cookie dough kitkat. jellybeans. cookies!. drinks.new banner. more cookies! hahas. (: I LOVE COOKIES!

Today.
Prac.
Dun wana say anything abt it. (&%*&%%#&^) - u shld know wad i mean...

Then gt LM. BORING! i wasnt even paying attn. Was thinking of skipping SW then go TM all. hahas. yea i was like that bored and my mind was like fully drifted to god knows where. hahas.


Then aft LM me, Hudz and Que went to TM. go here. go there. got high on things we want. Que made me spend on myself. hahas. SD's got a new toy baby! (:
Ok so we ALL got high on toys.

Ahh. k ppl. I'm like very the sleepy. Cos i lack of slp. So wun type much. There's pics though. E.G: the custom drink huda made me try which i soooo love! huda rocks! (:*i got damn hihg on the drink. Matt knows. Cos he gt high too! hahas.*

Mum's CNY cupcakes for her boss.

*note the colours! Pink rabak nye!*

This is like my FAV design out of all.

Its a monday. Had damn lack of slp. Doubt i can get much either tonight. Oh wells. Had a long day. And i mean long. I guess it ended up ok. Tml's gona b another looooong day. dunoe if i can make it for SW. hahas. I'll probably slp while running! (:

Class starts at 9am and as always i reach like damn early. Thought i wanted to catch up on making my notes. But instead i ended up chatting with Kevin who i like havent talked to for like soo long. hahas. Den class. Den hung out with Huda, Que and Ian. Beylo gang. hahas. (:

Then supposedly Gm prac. We waited for like 2hrs and end up, we cant get a lab. wth! so i stayed with the rest. Then ciao at like 5 plus to go meet Matt.

Matt, who is now OFFICIALLY no longer known as my ex. hahas. We agreed to call each other bro and sis. hahas. fair enough. i regard him as my bro anyway. One who i can bully and talk to and turn to when i need someone to cheer me up. hahas. We were at starbucks. I swear we were like so damn loud lah! hahas.

Im like in love with this new drink. "Venti hazelnut caramel frap with extra caramel and choc drizzle" which Huda intro-ed to me! Thanks babe! Its like damn sweet and nice lah! i was high! will post the pic tml! lols. (:
bro, matt almost killed me over it! hahas.

Ok then met Aidil then went to find gifts. Settled two now left one.
Did my GM research. Thank god.

Tml's gona b like another long day sia.
School. Then go order cake. Then go collect cupcake. Gawd.

PPL THERE'S LIKE NO CLASSES ON WEDNESDAY!
But for my GM grp pls guys i need u to turn up for result checking! Thank you. (:

Ok ppl. Ciao. Gtg meet Kelvin. hahas.
Take care ya'll!

Lazy to write much. See the pics. Stories later lah. so yea. FYI PPL CLASS STARTS AT 9AM TML! (:
(i'm saying this cos i dun wan to b e ONLY ONE WHO CAME FROM THE GANG LIKE E OTHER TIME WHEN EVERYONE WAS EITHER SICK OR LATE! (: )

(:) Love to all! (:)

ok ppl of JB0704A. before any of u ask me again when's all e tests which is aft CNY. I'll post it here just to be safe ok? hahas.

13th Feb 08 - Mol Bio Phase test
- LSP phase test
14th Feb 08 - Math CT 5
21st Feb 08 - GM prac test
- LSP theory test

If there's more. Update me and i'll write here cos e test all like crammed sia. hahas. Good luck studying ppl! (:

Maybe i shouldnt hv trusted your words too fast..

Just got back. Currently very sleepy. hahas.

Went to meet Shane for bubble tea. Hung out for a bit talking like loads of crap and such. Laughed our arses off. hahas. I bet he's C.S-ing right now! hahas.

Im bruised on my left arm. hahas. And it getting worse sia. I hit the muscle sumore. grr. gona b a sleepless night. oh wells.

Really gt nth to blog abt leh today. Im jus like sooo sleepy and even wen i reply my msgs all like make no sense to me. hahas.

P.S: To all those who PM me while i was away. Sorry! but i did put away and my personal nick did say i was out ok! hees!

*i hope u really meant wad u said. Cos its harder for me to believe. I won't bother messaging you anymore lah for help ok. seems ur only pissed abt it even if u were the one who said that ur arnd to help me wen i need someone. So yea. Maybe the new hope begining to fade after all unless we do smth abt it. If u're willing to work things out, gimme a call or drp me a message and we'll see wad we can do abt it ok. Good luck*

I got the googles. And VBI put it on my duck. hahas.

Ok before i tell u wad it is. Would u eat it? hees. cos me and que did! tastes good too. rite Que? hahas. (:Guess wad it is and tag me. If u gt the rite ans, i'll tell ya. hahas.